


The Tower of Valmi by a guy who still hasn’t played FE8

by Dr_J33



Series: FE by a guy who never played FE [2]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Genre: Don’t take this story seriously, Green Unit, Halloween, L’Arachel with a gun, Notice me Staff of Ages Team, PETA - Freeform, Parody, Xx_L00t_xX
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 12:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12581520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dr_J33/pseuds/Dr_J33
Summary: A bunch of people go into a spooky tower while I reuse jokes from my last story. And L’Arachel still has a gun.





	The Tower of Valmi by a guy who still hasn’t played FE8

  
The FE8 crew stood before a large ominous tower.

“So this is the tower of salami.” Said Seth, who had finally become relevant once more.

“Valmi.” Innes corrected “they say that a great treasure awaits at the top.”

“They also say that it’s filled with spooky monsters and stuff.” Added Joshua

“This sounds like the perfect setup for a Halloween special.” Said Erika “Also we should totally find that treasure.”

“Yeah for all we know it could be our legendary weapons.” Said Ephraim. “Let’s move out and investigate.”

The group walked inside the tower of Valmi entering the lobby where three skeletons were playing cards.

“Got any eights?”

“No go fish.”

“....”

The skeletons looked up at the group and frowned.

“Ya mind, we’re in the middle of a card game he-“

“Repent_Mother_Trucker” Exclaimed Xx_L00t_xX

Xx_L00t_xX noscoped the skeletons with a fireball to the tune of several airhorns.

“Well Done my friend.” Said L’arachel “now lets find this treasure.”

Erika pointed to a number of staircases nearby.

“Guys look, stairs. We can totally climb these.”

“Good eyes Erika my observant and lovely sister WHO I LOVE PLATONICALLY.” Said Ephraim

“Alright gang lets split up.” Said Seth “We can cover more ground this way.”

“I wanna be in Ephraim’s group.” Said Tana

And so the party split up.

—

  
Seth and Erika walked down a dark hallway together.

“Seth why didn’t you bring a light?”

“I didn’t want to blind you malady. It’s a good thing I have night vision.”

Seth then walked right into a wall.

“No wait it was regular vision....”

Erika rolled her eyes.

“Damn it Seth, if you weren’t hot I would have fired you years ago.”

Seth then walked into another wall.

“Ow.”

“We need a lantern.”

Without warning a skeleton with glowing eyes teleported in front of them holding a bloody axe.

“YoU HaVe DiStUrBeD mY SluMbEr!!!! No-“

“Oh perfect.”

Erika pulled off the glowing skull and stomped the remaining bones to dust.

“We can use this as a lantern.”

“Milady I advise against this.” Said Seth as he walked into yet another wall.

Erika groaned and used her skull lantern to shine the way ahead.

“I hate fog of war....”

—

Ephraim and Innes awkwardly searched a room together.

“Of all the people I get stuck with why did it have to be you?” Asked Innes “Not like I care or anything....”

“Believe me there’s people I’d rather be with too.” Said Ephraim “Like your sister.”

“Touch my sister and I will shoot you.”

“Haha- I’d like to see you try Tsundere boy.”

Innes glared at Ephraim and began going through a bookshelf, his eyes widening as he realized the contents of each book on display.

“Oh gods.... this is horrifying.”

“What is it?” Ephraim Asked “Are these books filled with twisted rituals or something?”

“No.... this shelf is filled entirely of Garfield comics.... who reads that much Garfield!?”

Innes blushed and looked away.

“I-I certainly don’t....”

Ephraim turned his attention to a nearby couch and took a seat on it.

“Well you have fun with that, I’m going to rest for a minute.”

Then several revenant hands burst out of the couch and attempted to pull Ephraim in.

“OH GODS THEY SURPRISED ME! INNES!”

“I-ILL DO SOMETHING EPHRAIM JUST HOLD ON!”

—

Xx_L00t_xX casually traversed a spooky maze with Arthur, incinerating anything in her path.

“This_is_@_walk_in_th3_park_for_m3_m8.”

“Slow down Xx_L00t_xX” Said Arthur “I can’t keep up.”

“Thats_because_ur_a_scrub_Artur.”

“Just because I can’t blast fireballs the way you do doesn’t mean-“

*CRACK*

Artur stopped and looked down, discovering that he had stepped in a large egg.

“That’s a gorgon egg....”

“_Rip_in_pepperoni.“

A gorgon dropped from the ceiling and let out a shriek.

“OH GOD ITS A SENNECA MONSTER!” Screamed Arthur

Get it, because Senneca from the Staff of Ages FE hack is a snake and the gorgon is a snake monster? Wasn’t that clever and hilarious? You should totally hire me as a writer Staff of Ages dev team. Please do I can contribute so much insight to the project, like how the end of act one is literally the ending to the Force Awakens-

“Hey_Author_can_you_save_this_for_l8r?”

Oh sorry, forgot I was writing for a minute. Anyways the Gorgon glared at the two. Artur averted his eyes as Xx_L00t_xX stared right at the monster.

“Out_of_my_way”

Xx_L00t_xX noscoped the gorgon with a fireball as the screen exploded with memes.

“Now_we’re_talking.”

Artur gave Xx_L00t_xX a confused look.

“Wait why didn’t the gorgon’s gaze turn you to stone?” He asked.

“Thats_my_secret_m8.”

Xx_L00t_xX pulled down her sunglasses to reveal a pair of permanently bloodshot eyes, with pupils that looked like the Sharingan but with marijuana leaves.

“I’m_always_stoned.....”

She pushed up her shades and continued to walk with Artur.

—

L’arachel and Joshua were in a circular room fighting off monsters together. Joshua bisected several skeletons with a single throw of his hat while L’arachel unloaded five shots into an approaching Tarvos with her gun.

“They just keep coming!” Said Joshua

“And I’m running out of uses on my steel tome!” Said L’arachel “I think I have to switch to my steel staff.”

L’arachel threw her handgun to the side and pulled out an M4 carabine, loading a magazine into the rifle.

“In the name of my holy god whose name I don’t recall and also for my uncle the pope, I SMITE THEE!!!!!”

L’arachel began mowing down monsters with her rifle, taking out every single one.

“Now you’re just showing off.” Said Joshua.

L’arachel’s gun ran out of ammo and she tossed it to the side, smiling at her handiwork.

“I love the smell of magic in the morning. Don’t you Joshua?”

“No but ya know what I do hate?”

“I’m guessing it’s either your crippling gambling debt or sand.”

“Actually it’s not being able to use stickers from my favorite tv shows in group chats.” Said Joshua as he took out a smart phone. “But that’s no longer a problem thanks to the Quidd app.”

“Oh so it’s another advertisement, guess I’ll play along.” Muttered L’arachel “So what is Quidd.”

“Well Quidd is this nice little app that lets you collect and buy stickers and digital collectibles from your favorite tv shows and games.” Joshua continued. “Shows like Ed,Edd,n Eddy, Game of thrones, Rick and Morty, and Five Nights at Freddy’s. I’m about to open a pack right now.”

Joshua opens up a pack of Quidd Garfield stickers

“Wow these are some cool Stickers. Now I just turn on the Quidd keyboard in the settings and- hey wait a second, Quidd gets to see everything you type in their keyboard while you’re using it...that’s not cool... okay scratch that don’t use Quidd, play Fire Emblem heroes or something instead.”

“Wow when did you become such a sellout.” Asked L’arachel

“When they offered me a thousand bucks to talk about Crunchyroll. I gotta pay off my gambling debts somehow.”

Just then several Mauth Doogs jumped out, only to be immediately killed by L’arachel and Joshua.

“Ha thought you could sneak up on me during product placement didntcha!?” Said Joshua

“HALT CRIMINAL”

Several generals clad in white armor burst through the walls carrying beastslayers.

“Your crimes end here!”

“What crimes?” Asked L’arachel

“The crime of killing helpless animals” Said a general gesturing to the beast corpses.

“You have brought upon yourselves the wrath of PETA”

“Wait don’t you guys kill more animals than you save?” Asked Joshua

“That is a myth!” Said a general.

“But you’re carrying beastslayers!” Said L’arachel

“Enough talk!” Said a general “We will put you down like we put down Little Jimmy’s pet Pit Bull because we couldn’t afford to keep it in our shelters!”

The PETA knights charged at Joshua and L’arachel.

—

Tana wandered through a dark room in the tower carrying her weapon of choice: an Ephraim body pillow.

“It’ll be fine Tana... So what if your the only person who didn’t get partnered up.... Ephraim is with you in spirit.”

*rattle*

Tana flinched and instinctively pumped her body pillow like a shotgun.

“W-who’s there!?”

An adorable skeleton in pink armor stepped out from the shadows.

“Don’t attack I’m a friend!”

“OH GODS A SKELETON! KILL IT BEFORE IT MAKES PUNS!”

“Wait no! My name is Amelia! Ephraim killed me in chapter 1 remember?”

“Oh yeah now I remember.... but why are you here?”

“I was summoned by an unknown power, but I got to keep my sentience. Kind of like in the Sega CD classic video game Mr.Bones.”  
  
“So you’re here to help me?”

“Yeah I’ll lead you to the top.” Said Amelia “Follow me.”

And so Tana followed Amelia into the darkness.

—

Erika finished murdering a bunch of monsters with her bare hands as Seth continued to walk into a wall.

“Why must we fight? I only wanted peace.”

“I’m on my way to your side Lady Erika!” Said Seth “Eventually.”

Tana and Amelia entered.

“Oh wow that’s a lot of corpses...” Said Tana

“Oh Tana you’re alright. Who’s the skeleton?”

“I’m Amelia. I’m here to guide you to the top.”

“Great, lets get going then.” Said Erika “Seth lets go.”

“OH GOD IM NOCLIPPING THROUGH THE WALL!” Seth Screamed, his body phasing through the stonework.

Erika rolled her eyes.

“He’s lucky he’s sexy....”

—

Ephraim and Innes finished beating the monster couch to death.

“We did it.” Said Ephraim.

“Indeed we did.” Said Innes “You’re not too bad at this Mary Sue.”

“Same to you Tsundere Sniper.”

The stared at each other for a good minute straight.

“I’m straight.”

“me too.”

“There_U_scrubs_are.”

Xx_L00t_xX stumbled through the doorway with Artur.

“We_found_nothing.”

“Any luck on your end?” Artur Asked

“We killed a couch and read Garfield.” Said Innes.

“We should probably get moving, try to find Erika and the others.” Said Ephraim

The others nodded in agreement and followed Ephraim out of the room.

—

L’arachel stood helpless as she fired her gun at the PETA generals, her bullets reflecting harmlessly off them.

“This can’t be right... my spells do nothing!”

“My hat isn’t working either!”

“WE WILL KILL YOU AND WEAR YOUR SKIN TO PARALELL THE WAY ANIMALS ARE MADE INTO CLOTHING BECAUSE PROTEST.”

“Jeez guys tone it down!” Said Joshua “you’re gunna get us an M rating.”

“M is for man which is a horrible spec-“

Just then a figure burst through the wall. He was a knight clad entirely in emerald colored armor. He smiled underneath his helmet before shouting his battle cry.

“IM A GREEEEEENNN UNIT!!!!!”

Green unit charged the PETA generals and rammed into all of them, crashing through the nearby window where they all fell from the tower to their deaths. Along the way down they passed by Will Smith as he was traveling through time MIB 3 style. But before they knew it Green unit and the PETA generals hit the ground, dying upon impact. But it was not a sad death, for Green unit died a hero. Now the only thing missing is a sad narration by a bald European man famous for playing Fire Emblem on YouTube.

“Wait What was the point of this?” Asked Joshua

“Huh, I don’t know.” Said L’arachel

“....”

“....”

“Lets rejoin the others.”

“Yeah.”

—

The group reunited at the door to the top of the tower of Valmi.

“This is it.” Said Amelia “The top of the tower of Valmi. Behind this door awaits either treasure, or a horrible monster that wants to kill us all.”

“I bet it’s going to be diamonds.” Said Erika

“Or weapons.” Said Ephraim

“Or_a_bunch_of_legendary_CSGO_skins.” Xx_L00t_xX added

“I bet that it’ll be something stupid like Seliph with a gun.” Said Joshua

“Only one way to find out.” Said Seth.

Seth opened the door and everybody looked inside, eager to see what was at the top of the tower.

“No way...”

“Gods this changes everything....”

“I can’t believe it’s.... hey wait what is that?”

At the top of the tower of Valmi was Myrrh having a tea party with Knoll the Gnoll and Erika and Ephraim’s dad.

“More tea Mr. Gnoll?” Myrrh asked,

“That would be lovely thank you.”

“DAD?!” The twins shouted,

King Erika and Ephraim’s father looked up.

“Oh hey there... I thought you were home....”

“F-Father what’s going on?!”

“Oh I always come here for weekly tea with the Hyena man and the Loli dragon.”

“Hi.” Said Myrrh

“This explains nothing.” Said Innes

“Yeah where’s the treasure?” Asked Tana

“The treasure is the friends you made along the way.” Said Knoll. “Didn’t you all grow closer through your experiences here?”

“Nope.”

“Not really.”

“Sry_mate.”

“I’m still a skeleton.”

Erika and Ephraim’s dad shrugged.

“Oh well, tea?”

“NOT SO FAST FADO.”

Out from the shadows stepped Julius, the worst of the three major antagonists of FE4.

“It is I, Julius, the scariest thing in Fire Emblem.”

Everybody looked away awkwardly.

“Um...”

“Julius, you’re not that scary.” Said Ephraim.

“What do you mean? I’m pretty scary, I mean have you seen my tome’s animation?”

“It’s not that scary.” Added Erika

“Yeah Garon was scarier than you.” Said Joshua

“Or Grima.” Added Innes

“Fe2 Duma was pretty scary.” Said L’arachel.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

“I REFUSE TO BE DISRESPECTED THIS WAY!” Bellowed Julius. “I AM SCARY AND YOU WILL BE AFRAID OF ME!!!!”

Julius readied a spell.

“Now prepare to die-“

Ephraim chucked his lance at Julis, impaling him through the chest.

“.... oh come on.”

Julius collapsed dead as Ephraim dusted his hands.

“That man was a product of incest.” Ephraim began. “And incest is very...”

Ephraim inhaled

DISGUSTING

“... I-Is this really how we end the story?” Asked Amelia “With a catchphrase and a bad FE4 reference?”

“... yeah pretty much.” Said Myrh

“Worst Halloween special ever.”

END


End file.
